Doing Things Properly

My dearest friend’s son is getting married, and the invitation has arrived. I sit staring at the beautiful little reply card, with its fancy M_________________. What am I supposed to write? And how can I can I express my excitement and affection on this tidy little card?

My first awareness of the mysterious world of Doing Things Properly came at the hand of my grandmother when I was seven. I excitedly showed her the neighbor girl’s birthday party invitation, decorated with balloons. She sat me down with a blank sheet of paper. “Write this,” she instructed. “Miss Wendy Louise Salisbury accepts with pleasure your kind invitation. . .” I was mortified, knowing even at seven that my friend’s mother would probably laugh.

My own mother, although she rejected most things her mother had done, was just as strict about Doing Things Properly. She ordered wedding invitations, informals, and birth announcements – properly engraved, mind you! – from Garfinkle’s in Washington, D.C. Even today, non compos mentis as she is, the fog will clear and she will say to me, “You didn’t get proper birth announcements for Sarah!” In the past I tried to say (for all the good it did) that Miss Manners declared what I sent – hand written announcements – are perfectly proper. Now I just take it. I only seethe a little bit.

After my terrible lapse, Mother began to give engraved wedding invitations and birth announcements as her gift to all her grandchildren as they married and procreated. It was the only way she could insure things were done according to her standards. Her granddaughters accepted the baby announcements good-naturedly, although I know of at least two who sent the proper ones to family members and cute ones to their friends.

Wedding invitations posed a problem, however, as Mother declared, “Those dreadful little reply cards are not proper,” and so the brides could not use them. (Need I point out that my mother ruled with an iron hand?)

Sometimes, however, unexpected things happen, and no reply cards meant my daughters received the most amusing and charming collection of RSVPs. By far the sweetest was a note to Jennie from an old family friend of her husband’s, who described in loving detail the happiness she had felt caring for John as a new-born baby 30 years before. My personal favorite was the tiny sticky note that Sarah had to search the envelope to find, adhered to the inside.

So I ask – if a reply card is not really proper, must one still use it properly? Also, is it not possible to be proper and personal simultaneously? May I not find a way to express affection along with my tally of who will attend?

Here is what I will write:
“Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Howe accept with pleasure and love!”